A New Chapter Begins...

Upon talking to a friend of mine I found myself thinking about myself, I remembered what’s been in my mind shouting and screaming causing pain to my life. I came to realise what I’ve had to deal with for along time now. Since the begging of the year I found myself lost in pain from a breakup I began to be blinded, I guess I never noticed that what hurt most was watching from the background, I guess my relationships meant a lot to me and hurt a lot of the time. Being single made me realise I needed this time off away from relationships completely, the one thing I discovered was what some of my mates have been feeling and its true, being single is fun to be able to feel you have no ties in with someone but at the same time it can hurt inside. To watch from the background all your friends find someone they love and to be happy, knowing that’s what you once had is painful to the mind. I guess I never realised how much I missed some people in my life. Sometimes I wonder how much of a lie do I live at times? And how much has been lost already? This time last year everything seemed much happier. This summer seems better in some ways I guess, just glad I have people like Jake and Lewis who can always manage to put a smile on my face, and I guess I aught to say thank you to the other Nathaniel for helping me through with some crap. Just come to realise things aren’t what they used to be and it does seem like I have lost some good friends of mine which is a shame but life must go on so just like this new blog is entitled a new chapter maybe its time I were to going to start a new chapter with my life and move on and I'm sure no matter what I will have my real friends by my side and that’s all I could ever hope for J

Thanks for reading xxx

My life as told by me (Part 4)

Well I guess it’s an overdue new blog entry and for once I'm stuck with what to write about to be honest. Today I have been sat in my room crying L I don’t know why but these past few days have just seemed torture. I guess I could say I've hit that point in my life where all hope seems lost. To an extent I'm loosing myself to someone or something I don’t know or understand…who am I?

Until a few days ago I used to have a bracelet left attached almost permanently to my wrist, however that is no longer the case. Since then its been put aside as I have lost my faith, lost my faith in them, lost my faith in myself and lost my faith in life. Right now all I can think about is wanting a hug from that one friend that is always there for me, that someone who manages to put a smile on my face no matter how bad the problem is.

Through this path of emptiness I find myself asking myself who my true friends are in this world, how many of them are friends that are true to their words, the fact when they say something they will do it and mean it, friends who are their to support you when your down. There are a few that I realize are true friends but sometimes I cant help but wish there could be more than that friendship, that hold of loneliness has been there and it does hurt, I have my friends but nothing fills that void. At times I just wish I could have the guts to ask a certain someone out. The one thing I miss most about love is the small things you get from it, such as the hugs and kisses but more importantly that joy of spending time with one another.

I guess I would like to end it here tonight with me just saying. I wish I could spend my life with you just us together just the way it used to be, then I would know when I die it would have been a life worth living, I miss you loads but I’m thankful that you are still in my life x life goes on but the past is never forgotten x

My life as told by me (Part 3)

Lol well once again I am wide awake and sat in bed with my laptop writing out another one of my blog entries for all you lovely people out there to read. Unless your name is Jordan LOL who finds it funny to paste it into their Facebook so his friends can read it and comment it with comments that are just pathetic, but to then call me and ask me to remove it because his friends hate him apparently… I just can’t help but laugh at your face. xD. Speaking of that idiot he just called me LOL what a douche.

As we all know summer is a approaching and that just means 10 whole weeks of pure bliss. Over the past couple of days I must admit it’s been nice to talk to some good mates of mine they have been dearly missed, one person in particular that it was nice to talk to recently was Lewis, it might have been a fair few months since we had a proper conversation but none the less it was a pleasure to speak to him again but to also meet up, was just a great touch to my year after all that’s happened, I’ve missed you dearly mate please never lose contact with me you’re a great mate to have, just like to say if your reading this I’m sorry for not talking the past few days I’ve just been caught up with work, hope to catch up soon and arrange a meet in the summer J. x

More recently getting back in contact with my mate Ash from Manchester was most great; always love to have a good long chat with him, also to the fact next month it will be basically a year since we’ve been mates. Hopefully somewhere in them 10 weeks ill be able to find time to go up and see him but who knows what the future holds.

Just getting off msn with Matty made me realize how much I missed our conversations, not to mention with this sudden craze of mates creating their own blogs, I got a first glance at his which he had yet to publish…. And it made me realize how emotionally attached I am to many friends, after going through his blog he had sent me it felt as if I was transported into his life and became apart of it and showed me the suffering he had to endure throughout last year, parts of which carried on into this year. Word after word I felt more drawn into his life bringing tears into my eyes making me realize people should never have to deal with pain like that in their life.

I’ve always said to my friends I would always be there for them in any time of need, whether it in the morning, day or night I will be there for them always. I guess really since I’ve become friends with such amazing people I’ve learnt that I cant always put myself first, its as if I found purpose for people like Matty who are in need, for people that are down when there is no need, when you need a helping hand to raise your spirit, someone there to give you hope. As if a guardian angel like figure I will over look my friends and always be there to lend them a helping hand in any hour of need.

Friends are what keep me going in life without them I feel I have no purpose, so to them I am thankful. While talking about great friends like to give a shout out to my best mate Jake Devine, just because I said I would give him a mention in my next blog, J. I’m just glad I have a friend like him there for me always knowing how to cheer me up, but I’m also sure he’s glad for having a friend like me for getting him out the house :P. much luv to you mate, don’t know where I’d be without you J x

I guess it now comes to that time where I wish to confess a few certain matters within my life. I guess what I’m hoping by writing this is forgiveness but here I go anyways… Over the past few weeks I began to loose myself again into a society that seemed so judgmental. I sought refuge by trying to make new friends, just friends to talk to no intention to meet no intention of anything other than just to talk. Soon I found myself host to a few new friend that I had made through random adds online, some lived locally some lived a distance but what was it to matter I just needed someone to talk to, to express my thoughts and seek advice. I guess that original intention soon changed as conversation developed I found myself falling for people I barely knew yet this was not love and I knew it wasn’t love. Only the powerful feelings of lust… that need to have someone there to talk to but more at the same time. I never wanted anything like a relationship to come of it but somehow it always comes into conversation. My heart is so fragile at the moment I can’t let anyone near it or interfere with it through a relationship, for now it’s reserved for the people in my life that matter most to me. But why can’t I seem to hold back from everything? People need to know I'm no after a relationship and I'm sorry if I mislead you into thinking I wanted more but now is a time where a relationship cannot come into my life for anyone new. My heart still lays intact held by the strings of past memories.

I guess its time for me to end it here and the only way I see fit to end this blog is with some lyrics that hold a powerful meaning:

We were as one babe for a moment in time,

And it seemed everlasting that you would always be mine,

Now you wanna be free yeah

So I’m letting you fly

Cos I know in my heart babe , our love will never die. (8)

My life as told by me (Part 2)

Well I’m back again for another blog J. I might be a day behind but that was only because I fell asleep, probably Rob boring me to sleep with that Big Brother shiz lol. Totally ain’t interested. Its currently 02:03 am, would have liked to started on this a lot earlier but I coldn’t resist talking to my dear mate Sophie Denton along with a few other people. Which I kinda guess brings me to this posts topic. The last entry I posted was I guess a bit negative and did upset a few people who have read it and I guess this ain’t going to be the same LOL, since I would like to talk about my college life.

In a couple of weeks it will basically be an entire year since I had left my secondary school (Shirley High School) I cant be asked to put the whole performing arts status thingy in lol that’s a bit too much, leaving school with a new start ahead of me sounded great, must admit it was worrying to move to a new college not knowing anyone and basically leaving all you friends behind. I mean you always hear the same old story – “we’ll stay in contact forever and ever”, but the fact is after this year you see maybe your parents were right in saying you wont keep in contact forever, and to an extent it depresses me a bit. Just for the fact of not being able to see some of my closest mates everyday and however sad it sounds hearing their voice everyday. Its just one of them things that does get to me, considering how close we all used to be leaving school and all going our separate ways is really what’s happened here. Now I’m lucky to hear from a majority of my old mates from school you get the occasional message thanks to places such as Facebook, MySpace and msn but its never the same as being with that someone. For me someone who works as well I find it hard to balance everything out with everyone just due to the fact I work weekends for the money which leaves only a couple of the weekdays available to go out but because everyone has got school or college still they got to keep up with their work, its just almost impossible to meet up properly like old times L.

Moving back to college life for a while, well to be honest it SUCKS! I mean don’t get me wrong I’ve made some amazing friends people like I have mentioned in my previous post, but its not the same. Not to mention the one thing going through my mind all the time is just college is nothing but a 2 year course and with one year practically out the way already its just one more then yet again its goodbye to you all and a new start all over again. L By now I’m sure anyone reading or following my blog is like what on earth is this the most depressed and negative person in the world, and to an extent I could agree but I would like to say I am a happy person most of the time lolz I do have my moments but just in my mind I cant help think about these things. Not to mention I’m just an unfortunate person who happened to get into a lot of crap.

Yesterday morning it would be I had one of them moments at college where to be honest I’ve kinda said to myself I’m fed up with it all. To be more precise I was fed up with one individual, a teacher at my college who I did snap at because it was uncalled for. People who was there will know who I'm referring to but I wish to withhold the name just so incase someone comes across and reads this then decides to be like “OMG I cant believe that guy” and prints it off to show to that certain teacher then I get pulled in or just another argument in our college escalates and we get to have another joyous mothers meeting all targeted at our so called group of friends. I’m not intending to offend anyone here. But sorry it is kinda pathetic how I am writing this having to emphasize the point I have no freedom of speech anymore all because some people have a few issues with to be honest sometimes something that isn’t any of their business. Anyways going back to the debate of this morning I found it out of order to being called pathetic and told that our attitudes stank and basically told to pack our bags and just walk out of the college. At that moment I did stick up for myself maybe not in the right way of doing so me in my sarcastic mood of course but it was out of order. I admit I'm not always right but I wasn’t wrong this time because that teacher is, is a big fat liar. In fact it’s not just him, the whole college is just one massive scam to get your money. This morning I refuse to be told that I was wrong for saying that recording without a tri-pod would be stupid having it all handheld JUST due to the fact we was told as a rule “SMALL MOVEMENTS ON A SMALL SCREEN MIGHT NOT LOOK MUCH BUT ON THE BIG SCREEN THEY’RE HIGHLY NOTICALBLE” so I'm sorry I refused to film without a tripod due to the fact its what they taught us in the first place and it is right. No bloody show records an interview or therapy session with a handheld camera. I mean what would Sir Allan Sugar think if he was having his TV show filmed from a handheld camera. To be honest it wouldn’t happen.

Going back to the whole college is a scam what else is there to say other than it’s true. Beginning of the year we had to pay a £30 equipment fee well some sort of COMPULSORY fee, which was to go on equipment for us apparently. Well I'm sorry but why do I then still have to pay outrageous prices for a stupid DVD or CD or tape for our coursework. It’s ridiculous because where is this money they have taken off us going? Not to mention the fact that I'm having to pay £310 bloody pounds on a tripod that yes I admit I broke by accident but what happened to a thing called insurance. How can they justify me having to pay for a brand new state of the art tripod to replace some crappy one they bought years and years ago that everyone had been complaining about because it was faulty to begin with? While talking about faulty equipment that was the reason we couldn’t film the other week that bought on the argument I spoke of earlier, all because they gave us FAULTY equipment. I would also like to add and I don’t mind saying this to everyone because I mean it, the college isn’t getting one more penny of me after this tripod. They want me to pay for an item that is nothing but a lie, my name wasn’t signed to the item and I never lost it, on top of that it wasn’t even signed out correctly and therefore someone else got the blame. Therefore as a result because that same teacher is taking the piss he wants everyone in our group to pay for it and I would like to state here right now take me to court and I wouldn’t care the college said they would if they don’t get money so my answer is only TRY ME because I’m refusing to pay a single penny for something I have no attachment to.

Once again I have to cover myself because I cant mention names incase one sad person reports this because I make it personal against SOMEONE NAMED, but what I'm about to say is true. I'm being forced to pay for this tri-pod which I have to accept though I’m tempted to just say F*** it I'm gone and leave the college but someone else had broken another item of equipment, but like a few other things they’ve gotten away with it, I'm sorry after I've had letters sent home phone calls made as well as non stop harassment over it this other person has gotten away with no warnings or words of warning for breaking an item. Corrupted or what. BY THE WAY I was told they hadn’t heard from the college by their OWN mouth.

So much more I could bitch about college but I think I have made my point but please people don’t be all pissy about this and be like oh its out of order what I'm saying and its so obvious who I’m directing this at etc, because I am fed up with it. Its just pathetic how everyone’s freedom of speech has been taken away, but I am who I am and my views are MY views.

I guess I might cut it short here tonight but before I go I would just like to talk about one last thing before I go… and that is about my friends, I really would like to thank you all for being there for me and I know that things have become difficult due to college and everything but to everyone of my friends I would like to say you are dearly missed including some people from out of college some that meant a lot to me, life for us will never be over because you will all forever remain in my heart with the great memories we shared together. I love you all xxx

If only I cold turn back the hands of time I would just to spend another moment of my life with you.

My life as told by me (Part 1)

Well here we go I guess. First of all I might as well introduce myself, my full name is Nathaniel Michael Robert Hough born March 24^th 1992 at Mayday Hospital, one place that I’m trying to avoid for reason I might explain if I remember to later in this blog. I attend NESCOT College in Ewell, where I have made some amazing new friends! Just can’t believe it’s almost been a year since we started there L.

I guess before I begin to write down my life I would like to thank Daniel Partridge for I guess somehow making me want to start this off, after reading through his blog just thought of it to be a great way to truly speak my mind and hopefully take a lot off my mind, due to my last time seeing my GP I was referred into counselling due to mental depression, however since that appointment I never went to counselling as I was too unsure. I guess I couldn’t be asked with going to see someone to have them tell me what’s wrong with my life when I guess all I really need to do is let all my life out to the world hence why I’m doing this blog. Not to mention in order to go see someone I would have to lie to my parents once again about going to see the doctors as I never told them the last time the real reason behind wanting to take the day off to see my GP, its not that I hate them or anything I just don’t want them involved with my life because it would only worry them and I cant deal with the pressure of that at the moment.

To kick things off I would like to mention that what I am writing in this blog is incredibly personal to me but however personal it is there are many things that are needed to be mentioned. So to start with my first story I guess its only fair I take you back to the reason this all started……… well I would like to do that at least however even I can’t remember how it all began. Throughout my life so far I’ve had to deal with so much shit, I’ve had friends even come up to me saying how they would hate to spend one day as me because of the crap I have to deal with. It seems everyday there is something new that seems to bring me down but I have to fight it.

I could take you back to only a month or so ago, in one day I’ve never felt so down about my life. I had plans to meet a friend of mine who asked me out to go Brighton with a few of his other mates have a few drinks which I said I would pay for mine and his out of kindness I guess, anyways it was like the 2^nd 3^rd time we met but I didn’t mind we had been friends for ages always talking whether it by text, msn or calling each other we were in contact. He had a boyfriend at the time but it wasn’t a date so I didn’t care much. That night he told me he had feelings for me but once his boyfriend arrived I guess that all just changed and he went against me. Dark came upon us and seeing them two together and the way he just ignored me after I just ran away from them lot and sat in a corner of Brighton pier and just took my phone out and called anyone I could. I have no idea why I was like that maybe it was out of jealousy mixed in with a bit of drunkenness, but none the less I felt so shit about living. To make matters worse I happened to cross paths with him and his bf while coming out of the toilets needless to say you could only guess what they were gonna get up to. But moving on I just wanted to be as far away from there as possible but with no real way home I stuck with them but this time was forced to an extent into the boot of the car we travelled down in. that night I was supposed to stay round his with the others but I sat in that boot crying as I was shouted at. To make matters worse during that route they constantly kept checking up on me but for the wrong reasons all they kept doing was to pour beer at me as well as throwing the cans at me, onto of flicking their fag ends at me but to more extreme measures they started trying to suffocate me with deodorant spray, then took that a step further and began to set me alight to be more specific my hair by using that deodorant as a flamethrower at me. All while being trapped in the car boot. I had thought once things appeared to calm down I thought I would be ok however it went from being them causing me pain into a car crashing into the back of us where I happened to be (the boot). Finally we arrived at his mate house where I was supposed to be staying but guess what it never happened which I didn’t mind, but I found myself with them running into the house only to find they left the persons car in a total mess thrown away one of his shoes on the motorway and stolen everything from my bag including my wallet, cash and no coat. I was left on the streets no real clue where I was or how to get home my wallet stolen along with basically everything else in the rain. I took refuge at their porch while banging at the door until the mother answered where it ended up me lodging my foot in the door forcing her as a result away from me so she couldn’t close the door on me. In the end I never called the police we made a compromise that I would leave if I took their numbers, I guess I thought if they wanted to take it further I would have not only their address but a phone number I could to an extent hunt them down with. Luckily with a neighbour’s help I managed to call my friends who rushed down at like midnight to my rescue, that neighbour was my only witness to see what was happening and although they were reluctant to help I could only thank them for helping however pathetic but nice they were. (sorry but they did help me but when asking for some sort of shelter from the rain they waited for ages before they let me stand under their porch, slightly unfair because it is their property but it would have been nice since they could see I was in need since I was shivering) all that in one day couldn’t be any better could it, I too refuge at my mate Robs house that night not before stopping at mate Max’s house for teaJ. I guess I have to thank my friends Mike, Maddie, Rob and Max for being there for me when I needed them, but also a thanks to Robs parents for letting me sleep over at such short notice J x. that night was a rough night as I found I had problems with my right leg as it would have a surging pain through it every so often which was kinda worrying but also a pain in my 4^th finger on my right hand which still to this day I have a reminder of what happened due to their being a slight bump between the joint below my fingernail, had it checked out few weeks later due to the pain and bump still being there but was told its nothing to worry about just damaged the cartilage between the bones which can take a few months to heal which is always nice to know.

After that incident you would have thought I would have learned my lesson but I guess you were wrong, cos a week or so later of blocking him he called me back up saying he was sorry for what happened then claimed to not remember it cos they were “drunk” but said he could get my wallet back and coat, I wasn’t so worried about the coat though it was a nice coat all I wanted was my wallet back because it contained items that had a lot of meaning, something that I could never replace or have replaced. I arranged to meet him how stupid I was for doing so but I got my wallet back, I might have spent about £15 on cinema tickets and being bossed about for a bit as well as paying for a ticket I was never meant to :@ but I got my wallet back and if spending £15 brought be back them items that held a huge amount of memories back then its £15 pounds well spent. I went home shortly after that movie and to what a surprise nothing much said or done not even a hug so I didn’t care he was now out my life I got back everything I wanted what use was he to me. En-route back to the station his friend Kin walked with me, you have to feel sorry for him to be honest he’s one of them people that actually he’s not like his other friends, instead he is manipulated into being someone he isn’t and we had a good talk about everything and I found out a lot of information that was useful and to an extent I think/hope I helped him get away from them guys because I know he is better than them.

Month or so after all that drama I find him still crawling back to me claiming how he was wrong to be with his now ex (LOL) and how he loves me, but I learnt my lesson this time what use was he to me, so I just played along I never met up with him or started a convo but left his only contact with me via phone or occasional msn though that all changed when he started inviting his friends back into the convo trying to “sort things out” cos he wanted us to be together, as a result things for racist and abusive and I found myself apart of it fighting back, apparently police were called etc and a file was put against me but I didn’t believe it, his mates mum was apparently speaking to me but I didn’t care I spoke to her like I did the rest and told her she was a disgrace for raising her daughter, was mean I guess but she deserved it she knew about what they did but didn’t care so if anything she’s promoting it which is a cause of bad mothering! After that convo it all ended basically. He still tries getting in contact but the convo never lasts more than a minute, it usually ends up with me putting him on loudspeaker and putting my music up loud until he hangs up. I guess I do have one thing I can thank him for though… and that is I thank him for bringing an old friend back to me Matthieu Couch (I hope I spelt it correctly) since that incident its been amazing having him back in my life and as a result I thank him for being there for me whenever I am in need now. Much luv Matty J xxx

It was thanks to Matty I guess that the next incident happened but it’s all-good wasn’t his fault. Just after Brighton or before I cant remember, my parents had gone through my Facebook profile and over looked my relationship status that was set in relationship with him all that while ago and that’s how they found out about me being gay lolz. I have no idea how I can laugh and keep a smile on my face every time but I manage somehow, that day my dad confronted me about it and some other stuff he found out on my profile such as me apparently wanting to commit suicide at one point cos I wrote something on the lines of “Jake you have no idea how many times you have saved my life” . Though to admit it I have thought about it but always made sense to not do so because I thought of my friends, people like Jake they are the reason why I’m living because I am nothing without them. The next day after that had happened I just felt so awkward being around them then when my dad picked me up from work and barely spoke to me or tell me where he was going I couldn’t take it, I had to answer his mobile because he was driving only to hear my mother crying down the phone with no explanation why my dad just grabbed the phone and shouted down I’ll be there soon and ill take you down to the stores when I arrive. I had no idea what was going on and when I tried to get an answer I was just blanked. When I was dropped off home my dad left without saying a word of where he was going or when he would be back not to mention a simple goodbye, so I just went to my room and cried. After a quick phone call I took my keys with nothing else on me other than my phone and bag as I left the house and ran away into the night. I never returned back home till 2 days later when I met my mum before hand to talk things through, as I couldn’t bare even looking my dad in the face. After a talk we sorted things out but still I keep myself to myself and always have something against my father due to things he said or hinted at, he’s just one of them people now I cant get along with as well as I should, I don’t hate him but I don’t like him either.

I guess that’s enough for one night though there’s plenty more to be written down but I’ll save that for another post J